Resolutions? What Resolutions?

Happy New Year, my friends. So, tell me, how many New Year’s resolutions have you broken so far?

It’s OK to admit you've broken a few, if not all of them.

You made those resolutions with good intentions, fully intending to follow through. But just a couple of days into 2006 you’ve fallen off the resolution bandwagon.

But you’re not alone. Right now there are thousands of people just like you who are shaking their heads wondering what went wrong.

Now, I have a sure-fire formula for never breaking resolutions. In fact, it’s because of this formula that I haven’t broken a resolution in about 10 years. I’ll share it with you in a minute but first, let’s look at some of the most common resolutions and see why they are destined to fail from the very start.

Perhaps the #1 New Year’s resolution people make is to lose weight. If you consider the obesity epidemic in our country, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But to lose weight by resolving to begin a diet on January 1st is a terrible way to go about it.

Let me set the scenario for you.

You wake up on New Year’s Day and realize that apparently someone forgot to tell the holiday cookie fairy to put away those treats left over from the party you had the night before.

Not only did the treats not vaporize while you were asleep, you also have a bad case of the post New Year’s eve hangover munchies thanks to that extra glass of champagne you had right before dawn. So, you reach over into that plate of fudge brownies drizzled in powdered sugar that just happen to be next to the coffee maker, pop one into your mouth and suddenly you feel like Adam biting into the apple.

Then it hits you, resolution guilt.

Before you know it, you're teetering on the brink of sugar-induced amnesia (Resolution? What resolution?) Oh, well, I can always start my diet next Monday, you say to yourself as you reach for a second melt-in-your-mouth decadent treat.

Did you ever stop to consider that the first three letters of the word diet spell DIE! It’s no wonder resolutions to diet don’t work.

Let’s look at another popular resolution… exercise!

I’ve been a runner for 25 years. I begin each New Year with a run. It's a kind of mediation during which I ponder what I want to accomplish in the next 12 months. For some reason, I see more people on the roads on New Year’s Day than any other day of the year.

I call these folks Resolution Runners. They are all decked out in expensive sweat suits and just about every heart rate monitor and gadget you can imagine. And their running shoes are so new they have the box they came out of still attached to them.

They wave and smile as if to say, “Look at me, I’m a runner now.” Unfortunately, the next time I run into them is at Publix where they lower their eyes in shame and pretend they don’t know who I am as we pass each other by the Twinkies shelf.

Resolutions seem to be our attempt to fix something we feel is wrong with us.

But here’s the problem. Most of us consider resolutions all-or-nothing endeavors.
And that’s precisely why so many of them are broken. The minute we do one tiny thing that we swore we wouldn't do, we consider ourselves a failure and abandon the resolution altogether.

For example, if you resolve to never eat anything unhealthy ever again and you take a tiny taste of Ben & Jerry’s newest flavor ice cream, you are just one spoonful away from cuddling up on the couch with a gallon of the stuff.

Who invented New Year’s resolutions anyway? What were they thinking?

But as I mentioned earlier, there’s a guaranteed way to never break your resolutions.

It’s quite simple really. Don’t make any resolutions. And if you do want to make positive changes in your life, resolve not to call them resolutions.

Forget the all-or-nothing attitude. That will keep you out of trouble and guilt-free all year round. Take things one day at a time. Have fun. And if you 'fail' once in a while, chalk it up to experience, dust yourself off and keep going.

Just don’t make any more resolutions. The word itself has very negative connotations… especially on January 1st.

Happy New Year!

That 70's Party

A few days ago, I received an invitation to a friend's birthday party. At first, I was happy to have been invited to join in the celebration of a milestone birthday... the big 3-0. Although I achieved that milestone long ago, I was very much looking forward to the event.

On closer inspection, however, I noticed the invitation contained the one word that sends me running for the hills every time I see it. My friend had decided to have a theme party for her birthday.

Over the years theme parties have become very popular. Don't let this fool you. A theme party is nothing more than a costume party for drunken grownups.

I hate costume parties. I simply don't do fake dress up. I like who I am. I don't feel the need to dress up and pretend to be someone else for a night. And to answer the question in your head, no, I don't do Halloween either.

To make matters even worse, my friend had chosen 'The 70's' as the theme of her 'vintage' party. Those attending would be required to dress up like their favorite character from the 70s.

I was terrified by the prospect.

I was further horrified when I realized she had the nerve to use 'vintage' and '70s' in the same sentence.

Here is my definition of vintage: Old stuff people have kept in boxes for years because some day they may be worth something.

Vintage stuff is old stuff. I don't even start thinking vintage until I go way back to the 1950s. In the 70s I was a cool high school kid who went to concerts and dreamed of being in a rock band.

So how was it possible that someone would even think of calling the 70s vintage? Then I realized that many of those who would be attending this party were well, sperm and eggs in the 70s.

When I think the 70s, three words come to mind... 'polyester' and 'big hair.' Both of which brought me back to a time of teenage angst, clumsiness and bad fashion.

My trip down memory lane took me back to everything from making out at the movies during the premiere screening of Saturday Night Fever to the opening theme of Welcome Back Kotter. What do a disco movie and television show set in Brooklyn have in common? If you were around in the 70s, you know the answer to that one!

I awoke from my trip through the time tunnel to the sound of my partner shopping for vintage attire on E-bay. There was no turning back now since we'd already accepted the invitation.

Since I was a character of the 70s, I decided to go as myself in my teenage angst heyday.

So, credit card and E-bay account in hand, I went shopping.

I was shocked to learn that the box of old concert T-shirts I had thrown out 15 years ago was now valued at more than the net worth of all the citizens of Monaco combined.

For example, the Led Zeppelin Houses of the Holy tour shirt I bought for $7.00 at a Madison Square Garden concert in 1977 now cost $73. A 'Stop the Draft' button which was given out for free at high school rallies, could now be had for $10. And if I was willing to part with $175, I could own a 'You Gotta Believe' button from the 1972 New York Mets run for the pennant.

I decided to call my mom and share with her this information. Now, my mom isn't a pack rat by any means, but she has been known to hang on to a few things because 'they may be valuable some day.' So when she confessed she'd rescued my t-shirt box from the trash and invited me to come over to look through the box, I couldn't get to my parent's house fast enough.

Some day had finally arrived. When I got to my parent's house and opened the box, it was like opening a Pandora's box to every memory I had stored away safely... most good, some painful.

I spent the rest of that marvelous afternoon looking through old photo albums, reading entries former classmates had written in my high school yearbooks and listening to some of the cheesiest, yet memorable lyrics ever to come out of a turntable.

Who could ever forget: "That's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it, uh huh, uh huh."

Finally, as I got to the bottom of the box, I saw the familiar black cotton material and white letters... it was a little worn but still exactly how I remembered it... my Led Zeppelin Houses of the Holy tour shirt from 1977. Best of all, it still fit perfectly.

That's when I realized why people like theme parties so much. Because by pretending to be someone else, you can finally appreciate who you are.

My trip down memory lane had deposited me right back to the present... to the person I had become as a result of my past. And with the wisdom of hindsight, I could finally appreciate the joyful time from which teenage angst had blinded me.

With that bit of insight, I realized that the things over which I stress today will one day bring a smile of nostalgia to my lips.

The party was a huge success. And as I sang the words of Paradise By The Dashboard Light... "It was long ago and it was far away and it was so much better than it is today..." I agreed that in some ways it was... but in so many other ways the past is better left right where I left it.